This was wonderfully written, and perfectly explains my issues with current aspec discourse. Also, for years I've been struggling to describe my issues with puritanism in a way that makes it clear being anti-sex is only half the issue, and you did it perfectly. It really does come down to not respecting sexual autonomy, and being extremely controlling about how others interact with romance and sex. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this essay. It's shocking how commonly the narrative around alloaces is "aces can still have sex!" and not "Allos can still be happy in sexless relationships." because I've been the allosexual dating an asexual and surprise, it's gone perfectly fine. Perhaps I'd be better described as a "sex-neutral allosexual" because while I definitely feel sexual attraction, I could take or leave the sex part of a relationship. But on the other hand, this feels like such a basic "respect your partner" thing that I can't help wonder if most other allosexuals' stated need for sex in their relationships is really that strong.
Because compulsory sexuality affects romance, with sex being seen and the most important and sole important form of romance as well as romance itself, then you throw in patriarchy and the way sex is positioned as a 'wifely duty' and the shame of women 'not putting out', the concept of alloaces deserving sexual respect from allosexual partners is unfortunately isn't something considered basic and it isn't something that can be reduced to individual choices. When ace resources perpetrate compulsory sexuality towards alloaces by telling us to sacrifice our consent for the sake of sexual romance and when being a low libido partner is seen as a mental and/or physical failure, it goes beyond individual respect or communication when alloaces as a collective and allosexual people too, are socially conditioned to believe we are always to blame for sexual incompatibility + the patriarchal standards that decide what 'compatible' sex is to begin with.
This doesn't mean allo-ace dating is impossible of course, but that romance and sex don't exist in vacuums and that the wider social imbalance will always affect alloaces in a way that won't impact allo partners or at least to the same extent, so sentiments of 'be nice to your partner' ring hollow to me. Plus, being "alloace" for me goes so much more beyond dating or what allosexuals would think of me romantically.
This was wonderfully written, and perfectly explains my issues with current aspec discourse. Also, for years I've been struggling to describe my issues with puritanism in a way that makes it clear being anti-sex is only half the issue, and you did it perfectly. It really does come down to not respecting sexual autonomy, and being extremely controlling about how others interact with romance and sex. Thank you for sharing.
THANK YOU
Thank you for this essay. It's shocking how commonly the narrative around alloaces is "aces can still have sex!" and not "Allos can still be happy in sexless relationships." because I've been the allosexual dating an asexual and surprise, it's gone perfectly fine. Perhaps I'd be better described as a "sex-neutral allosexual" because while I definitely feel sexual attraction, I could take or leave the sex part of a relationship. But on the other hand, this feels like such a basic "respect your partner" thing that I can't help wonder if most other allosexuals' stated need for sex in their relationships is really that strong.
Because compulsory sexuality affects romance, with sex being seen and the most important and sole important form of romance as well as romance itself, then you throw in patriarchy and the way sex is positioned as a 'wifely duty' and the shame of women 'not putting out', the concept of alloaces deserving sexual respect from allosexual partners is unfortunately isn't something considered basic and it isn't something that can be reduced to individual choices. When ace resources perpetrate compulsory sexuality towards alloaces by telling us to sacrifice our consent for the sake of sexual romance and when being a low libido partner is seen as a mental and/or physical failure, it goes beyond individual respect or communication when alloaces as a collective and allosexual people too, are socially conditioned to believe we are always to blame for sexual incompatibility + the patriarchal standards that decide what 'compatible' sex is to begin with.
This doesn't mean allo-ace dating is impossible of course, but that romance and sex don't exist in vacuums and that the wider social imbalance will always affect alloaces in a way that won't impact allo partners or at least to the same extent, so sentiments of 'be nice to your partner' ring hollow to me. Plus, being "alloace" for me goes so much more beyond dating or what allosexuals would think of me romantically.