Compulsory Sexuality Is Designed to Exhaust Us

Why asexual people are always tired.

You’re not supposed to be asexual as a child because that’s the time for your development and you don’t know what sex is yet. You’re not supposed to be asexual as a teenager because that’s when you’re biologically primed to start having sex and all teenagers are horny messes. You’re not supposed to be asexual as an adult because that is when you’re biologically primed to have sex and have babies. You’re not supposed to be asexual as an old person because it’s now the end of your sexual function and loads of old people fuck.

You’re not supposed to be asexual as a woman because it’s in your biological nature to want babies. You’re not supposed to be asexual as a man because it’s in your biological nature to dominate women and make them have babies. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst non-binary because you’re just a man or a woman and that determines which sexual stereotype you’re supposed to live up to. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst cis because you’re body was designed to have sex and reproduce. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst trans because it means the hormones and surgery have stopped the body you have that was designed solely for sexual reproduction from working properly.

You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst also not being white because it’s racist and because only white people are capable of not having sex and sexual attraction. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst disabled because you’re being ableist by desexualising yourself and only able-bodied people have the capacity to know their sexuality. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst able-bodied because as a healthy functioning person, you are biologically primed for sex and having babies. You’re not supposed to be asexual whilst also not being straight because it’s biologically impossible for gay people to not want to have sex for any reason or at any time and it’s homophobic for gay people to not have sex.

You’re not supposed to be asexual before having sex because it’s too soon to tell and you have to have sex you don’t want before you have the right to rule it out. You’re not supposed to be asexual after you’ve had sex because if you were really asexual, you wouldn’t have done that. You’re not supposed to be asexual and not enjoy sex because it means there is something wrong with you on a biological, mental and physical level. You’re not supposed to be asexual and enjoy sex because you are supposed to control your arousal and arousal is something that is always controllable and never involuntary.

You’re not supposed to be asexual, you’re supposed to have sex, regardless of what you actually want it to look like, feel like or actually be. Good people have sex and bad people don’t. Good people are sexy. Consent is sexy because it arouses you and makes sex more fun, not because the person you have sex with has bodily autonomy. Being feminist is sexy because it means women will fuck you, not because you as a man believe in the abolition of patriarchy. Being anti-racist is sexy because Black people will fuck you. You can’t ever be racist if you think Black people are sexy! Being anti-fascist is sexy because it means other leftists will wanna fuck you, not because everyone deserves to live a life of justice, equality and freedom. Good people are hot, bad people are ugly and do not get laid. Hot girls are feminist, ugly girls are not. Hot people have this hobby, ugly people do not. Hot people will understand, ugly people will not. Hot people buy this specific product, ugly people do not. And nobody wants to be ugly, but everyone wants to get laid.

Compulsory sexuality is designed to exhaust us. No matter who you are, what you are and where you are in life, you are a failure. You are a defunct human, failing each and every single category you fall into. I was a failed child because I lacked sexual curiosity. I was a failed teenage girl because I had no Euphoria style sexual debut or interest in sex with teen boys. I am currently failing my 20s because I have no ‘hoe phase’ or desire to start one with my ‘prime’, ‘fertile’ body. I am going to fail the rest of my adulthood for the same reason. I’m failing as a woman because I don’t want to settle with a man and have his children. I’m also failing as a woman because I’m wasting my divine feminine womb energy, my pussy power, to lure men in to own the patriarchy. I’m failing as a woman because the patriarchy has allegedly stolen my nonexistent sexual attraction. I’m failing as a Black person because I am a desexualised Black stereotype, a lanky Mammy, the only dark skin Black girl of the former friend group who was the only one with no straight romantic/sexual arc. I’m failing as a lesbian because I have no horny radical dyke desire to fuck the system with. I’m also failing lesbianism because I’m the sanitised hand-holding sapphic giving #real dykes a bad name. Whilst not my most marginalised identity by any means, my asexuality is unique because it makes me out of place in every other identity I have. According to many, it desexualises me. And ‘me’ is my hypothetical sexual self, who apparently, is more deserving of empathy, grace and support than *I* am. There is more support for my sexual potential and my body as someone else’s vessel than there is for me in my asexual reality.

Compulsory sexuality disguised as progressivism is constantly in my ear: There’s nothing wrong with being asexual or anything, but women fuck too, not just men! Asexual lesbians are valid, but like, not all lesbians are asexual, they fuck too! Asexuals are valid, but like, queer people fuck too! Why does the POC-BAME-BIPOC™ have to be asexual? Non-whites™ can fuck too! People like you fuck too!

I am so tired.

‘Lock Without Key’

It isn’t sex itself that exhausts asexuals, it’s the compulsory nature that sex is placed in. For asexuals, sex can never be just sex. It’s a chore, a quota, a list, a task and that task is always failed on our end. If we could simply not have sexual attraction and disengage from sex without the constant alienation, mockery, humiliation, pathologisation and isolation from the definition of being a real human, it would be a lot easier to tolerate. Whilst I’m not repulsed, I fully understand my sex repulsed asexual peers when they feel overwhelmed by sex as a topic in every song, show, film, book, video game, conversation, advert, meme, joke and artwork because at that point, the lines between what is compulsory and what isn’t are blurred.

Oscar Wilde once said: ‘Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.’ Now, whilst this is probably one of the most overused quotes of all time, there is some truth in it. Sex allegedly is what makes us human and yet, sex can never be something humans engage in freely. It’s restricted, controlled and enforced as a quota and not something people can do for sole pleasure. There’s real sex and fake sex. There’s good positions and bad positions. There’s fun sex and boring sex. There’s too much sex and also too little. There is right sex and there is wrong sex. There is Godly, honourable cisheterosexual monogamous vanilla sex and then there’s everything else. It’s fucking ridiculous, if you pardon my French and the pun.

And yet, despite listing all my alleged sexual failures, I don’t see them as such. I no longer see myself as a failure of my own (a)sex(ual) life. I don’t believe in Black women engaging in sexual activities we don’t want in order to prove a point against misogynoir or as proof that Black women are desirable. I don’t believe in lesbians performing an arbitrary amount of lesbian sex to earn our carabiners for the #real dyke club. I don’t believe there is a single universal sex life all women share due to biological essentialism, nor do I support any divine feminine magical womb nonsense. I don’t believe in flexing how not sex repulsed I am, unlike the so-called ‘harmful stereotypes’ of the asexual community for non-asexual people’s validation. I don’t believe in performing sexuality for the benefit of anybody, not even myself. I refuse to perform sexuality for anyone. My sexuality is my own and I refuse to let anyone but me have it.

I see all the scripts compulsory sexuality has put on me, my behaviours and my body and I am glad to ruin them all. I am glad to ruin and confuse the perceptions others place on me. If sexual stereotypes seek to control the sexual scripts of our lives, then break the script. Let all the sexual stereotypes that are placed on you fail.