Roaring 20-Somethings
Everywhere you look concerning the 20s, you’ll see it praised as the peak of human life. Best age for careers, best age to attend university, best age to have kids, best age to marry, best age to drink, best age to go clubbing. The ‘prime’ of the human years.
In some way, I get this. Your 20s are the start of adulthood and when you’ve passed the legal age for many markers, such as voting, drinking, having sex and getting married and these are the things that make a human an adult and a happy person… allegedly…
The way people treat the 20s, to me, is a repeat of the teen years, the other ‘best’ time to be alive. Those were also the years that humans are ‘supposed’ to be reckless, do drugs for the first time, drink for the first time, have sex for the first time, date for the first time and live life like a fusion of High School Musical and Skins. According to that metric, my teen years were a failure. I never was a Teen Idle. From the shitshow that was my teen years, now being in my 20s and now seeing the massive push of how the 20s are ‘supposed’ to go, the lifestyle guides, the substack poems and the Gen Z adulthood hate pieces that I’m supposed to view as credible journalism, I’m pressing x to doubt.
Not just Gen Z, but for everyone in their 20s, they’re pushed a specific social script to meet these markers as ‘proof’ they’ve achieved adulthood and proof they’re a fun person. It’s common to find people shaming people in their 20s for failing the markers and not ‘making the most’ of their so-called superior years. With the moral panic about Gen Z as a failed, weak and boring adult class for not having sex, drinking and smoking as much as previous generations, the concept of a mandatory teen dating phase and 20s casual sex phase as ‘preparation’ for marriage and also the shaming 20-somethings for failing these markers in teenhood and now completing them ‘too late’, the large push of the ideal 20s doesn’t exist in a vacuum and consistently the 20s advice genre is used as a way to establish conservative and cisheteronormative values. Two types of values I will never fit into anyway.
In between seeing all these posts, memes, poems, articles and advice columns on how to be the perfect 20-something and the jokes about adults who commit the ungodly sin of staying in on a Saturday night, I’ve realised something at the age of 22: I don’t give a fuck. I’m too tired to actually give a shit about this. Here’s why…
Trying and Failing
I had a “friend” who was abusive and I spent most of my secondary school days with her, so the quotations will stay in this spelling each time I refer to her. Part of my abuse was rooted in my ‘boringness’ in the sense I was the quiet kid and she was the outgoing loud one. Her idea of fun was running across the road in incoming traffic, stabbing me with a maths compass and throwing things at me and other students, including forks, knives, food and scissors.
For a while, I used to be ashamed of teen me for being too boring, hence me singing Teen Idle by MARINA at the top of my lungs and becoming an alt-pop kid when I was 13 (Oh 2016, I almost miss you… almost!). Looking back as an adult though, I’m happy I was a boring teenager. Notions of teen fun were actively dangerous or incompatible with my basic comfort. I was going through so many traumatic events with barely anyone noticing, let alone actually helping me. Bringing drugs and sex into that would’ve been a disaster and made things a hell of a lot worse for me. Whilst I could say I was uptight and maybe too serious, that overprotection I built up for myself, whilst negatively impacting my reputation and being the source of torment from my “friend”, did end up saving me for real in the end. Were there things I missed out on? Yeah. But I’m glad I took that time to be quiet and boring because now I’m an actual adult, I have way more knowledge, experience and maturity now than I did back then, even if I am only a baby adult in the grand scheme of things. And now, I can take part in all the things I missed out on for the first time with said knowledge and experience and have experiences that feel fresh and new each time. If I could talk to teen me, I’d tell her to keep staying inside, keep streaming AURORA and keep playing Splatoon 1 for 5 hours each Saturday. You’re not ready, babes. Trust!
Simply being an extroverted Euphoria character wouldn’t have fixed any fundamental issues I was dealing with as a teenager. I didn’t ‘need to’ lose my virginity, I needed to be told that virginity wasn’t real in the first place, be given a proper sex education which affirmed consent and was fully pro-queer, including pro-asexual, away from the Catholic purity culture I was being raised in. I didn’t ‘need to’ date and have my first heartbreak, I needed a solid and stable friend group who I could genuinely trust and who fully supported me. I didn’t ‘need to’ smoke, drink or pill-pop the pain away, I needed to address my issues head on with a professional and trustworthy adult to help me understand that I was going through unaddressed grief, bullying and abuse, instead of being conditioned to hold it all in for the sake of my schoolwork. I didn’t need to be at the club, I needed to be in therapy!
I’m thinking about all the pre-teen and teen scripts I tried and failed to fit into. Making myself wear skirts and summer dresses to school so I ‘looked like I girl’ and wouldn’t be misgendered, hating the feeling the whole time. Pretending to be attracted to boys so the cishet girls in my class asking me invasive questions would just leave me alone. Listening to songs I didn’t like because they were popular. Watching Youtubers I didn’t care about because they were popular. Not once did anyone tell me, in good faith and not just a teacher saying ‘I’m here for you, Quiet Kid!1’ for the bit, that I could just be myself. That my ‘weird’ ‘boring’ and ultimately harmless hobbies and interests were fine and I didn’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed.
I didn’t miss out on some hidden unlockable of the teen years by wanting basic safety and comfort, something I had been lacking a lot more when I was kid than I had realised. Saying no to going out and friend group stuff wasn’t because I’d developed an allergy to teen parties and fun, it was because these activities were always tied to my “friend”, my horrid year group and the lack of stability in my friend groups. When my options were to go to the party of my abuser, going to the prom with the same girls who’d spent the past 5 years calling me ugly or trying to find the party my friend group planned without actually telling me it was even going on, a night in with Splatoon 1 was the clear winner. The issue wasn’t me not going out enough, it was that I didn’t actually have a lot of real friends to go out with.
Some of my teachers said my quietness and introversion would actually hold me back in life, acting like my reserved teenhood was not only some type of abnormal human behaviour, but that by simply existing as a quiet girl and just not being as extroverted as my classmates, my teenhood somehow had less value. They always told me to step out of my comfort zone, whole time me going into school day after day, facing the same abuser every day, the same classmates who’d mock me and the same teachers who humiliated me could *never* be a source of comfort. So spare me for not wanting to put my hand up in your dead maths class. Abeg.
So with all of this, I have no desire to turn my 20s into a great performance to prove my funness to people. It was bad enough in my teens.
I can be snarky about the lifestyles I don’t want too. I don’t wanna drink something that tastes bad and pay loads of money for that. I don’t wanna smoke a bunch of substances that I don’t like the smell of that’ll fuck up my lungs. I don’t wanna take party pills when my mind’s messy already. I don’t wanna go to a bunch of clubs for people I can’t be asked to talk to and to listen to music I won’t like, especially when not all queer clubs are Black queer friendly already. I don’t wanna have hookups with people I won’t ever be sexually attracted to (asexuality baybeeee), to have sex I probably won’t enjoy and then never talk to those people again. These things all seem pointless to me, but the difference is, I don’t actively judge and insult people who enjoy living like this, unlike the many people who take part in judging me and the rest of the frigid dull homebody society.
Why would I force myself to take part in things I don’t want to, including things that will actively harm me, in order to prove a point that I’m interesting to a group of people who don’t care about me? Who are you people???
Honesty Really Is The Best Policy
So now I’m in my 20s, I’ve learnt a lot in a short span of time about what actually makes a person interesting or how to get people interested in you and what you do. It’s not special and it’s not new: It really is just about being yourself.
I hate to sound like a 2016 Black Twitter user, but communication really is key, both personally and professionally. It isn’t about being the loudest person in the room or even the smartest, just share what you think is relevant, clarify the really important info and it will really shape a conversation. And I’m saying this as a former professional quiet kid and now full-time, often anxious introvert with 22 years experience.
I can’t tell you lot how many times me being the person who goes and asks the clarifying questions and sends the ‘when do we need to do x by?’ email really does help things when it comes to getting work, setting up interviews and going to events.
From talking to so many strangers and making acquaintances, I’ve sparked a lot of conversations and made friendships and connections by complete accident. I didn’t do anything I thought was special or unique, just what I usually do. To me, this is my new mundane. It’s now so common it’s just a part of my regular routine and I view it almost similarly to brushing my teeth, having a shower or eating my breakfast. But to some people, it’s the most intriguing thing they’ve seen in their whole day. I don’t know why. I’ve struggled to accept compliments for a long time, before out of possible insecurity, but now in the sense I’m struggling to find joy in certain things like I did before. Either way, what’s just another ‘bad’ digital drawing to me is a mindblowing piece of art to someone else. What I think is a casual-not-too-exciting game is really interesting to someone who might not know a lot about video games. What’s just a basic 1am ramble about asexuality to me is what another asexual person thinks is an extremely valuable insight, because they’re still learning about the orientation. What was just a series of Doctor Who analysis tweets has led to me making friends with amazing people. What was just a vent to me about Substack ended up being my most popular essay now. Again, I didn’t reinvent the wheel and that’s because I didn’t need to. I was just myself.
Imma Do My Own Thing
I can now focus on what I *actually* want and not what others *think* I should want. Freedom to say no, that my body doesn’t exist to serve others and only I get to choose what’s done to it, for the first time in my life. Freedom to say no to this idea that I ‘have to’ be with a man. But also, the freedom to say yes, that I do have romantic desires, that I do want women and that I want those women to want me too and to never feel ashamed of those feelings. Freedom to let go of conventional femininity, embrace my tomboyishness and let go of the fear of ‘looking like a man’. Freedom to enjoy my interests, play my games, make my drawings, have big deep conversations with strangers in Central London in the middle of the night and be a big big nerd. Freedom to finally be myself.
MARINA, who’s one of my favourite artists of all time, has always commented on her 20s both in and out of her music and the pressure to be youthful and attractive as a woman within the music industry and in general. She’s spoken about the depression and bulimia she suffered with during her 20s, which influenced part of the Electra Heart era. When MARINA shifted into the Froot era, killing off the character of Electra Heart, returning to her black hair and making music that was overall more positive, the hardcore Electra Heart fans were quick to reject it. To this day, they’ll say that MARINA has never made a single good song or project since the Electra Heart era. Whilst I support the criticism of Love + Fear, hardcore Electra stans within the fandom, the Diamonds, can’t let go of the peak of MARINA’s career in her 20s, which was essentially one of the hardest parts of her life. They still want her to be frozen in a time that caused her so much pain, solely for the sake of her success, fame and attractiveness, her human ‘prime’.
With her newest album, Princess of Power, MARINA has gone through a rebirth, reclaiming things she lost or never experienced within her teens and 20s and sharing the message that the 30s and 40s and beyond aren’t the ‘end’ of your fun, but instead a whole new beginning. She sings about all the pleasures she’s now embracing in her 30s; romance, sex, pretty dresses and 70s disco. As she’s one of my favourite artists and a huge inspiration, I can’t help but relate to her and support her in her new journey, even if I’m still a huge Family Jewels truther myself.
I’ve taken off this timer for all the things I ‘must’ do for my 20s, but instead, I’m filling my list of things I actually wanna do and things I actually wanna have, whilst also being aware that I’ll always have the option in my 30s too and beyond.
So, for any curious millennials, gen xers or boomers who’ve stumbled upon this essay, wondering what’s ‘wrong’ with 20-somethings, this is my personal introvert asexual Gen Z opinion. I don’t care if someone in their 20s says they enjoy their sobriety, sexlessness and Saturday early nights. We have the right to do all these things and do them without any shame from you lot. Young adult freedom looks different for everybody and what you find personally restrictive is someone else’s pleasure and all 20-somethings, Gen Z or not, are entitled to that pleasure. And that pleasure isn’t lesser simply because it isn’t alcoholic, sexual or extroverted.
I don’t entertain for a second that society will really collapse because of this ‘epidemic’ of sexless 20-somethings and young people not wanting to smoke. Should we call the police? Should we throw a party? Should we call Effie Stonem?
I refuse to use my tongue as a vessel for substances I don’t wish to consume for the entertainment of other people. I refuse to use my body as a vessel for the unfulfilled sexual fantasies of others. I refuse to use my 20s as a vessel for the insecurities, judgement and entitlement of millennials, gen xers and boomers who feel entitled to it because they feed into the lie that they are now ‘past their prime’.
Miles Morales really said it best. Imma do my own thing!
